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LeBron James Begins His Metamorphosis Into Giant-Headed Freak Of a Man

July 8, 2010

A two-time MVP who led his team deep into the playoffs. Dogged by criticism that he just couldn’t come through in big games.  Used free agency to leverage a small-market’s anxiety into an orgy of media attention. Destroyed  his sport in the city he left for two decades.  Justified going to a team with a worse record because he was “used to a winning atmosphere”  and “came here because [he thought they had] a chance to win.”

I’m of course talking about Barry Bonds, decimater of Pirates, false hope inspirer of Giants.

And like Barry Bonds’s in 1993, the brand “LeBron James” is no longer selling a phenomenally talented, highlight reel manufacturing, harmlessly self-aggrandizing kid.  It now sells a calculating, heartless, city-destroying heel.  A calculating, heartless heel who destroys his hometown on national television.*

But karma is a bitch.  The 1993 Giants won 103 games, but still lost the NL West to the Atlanta Braves.  The top-loaded Heat could easily topple if and when Chris Bosh or Dwayne Wade go down with injuries.  Or maybe LeBron’s chokeness is just too much to be compensated for by Dwayne Wade’s clutchness.  No matter how the inevitable collapse of the centerless South Beach juggernaut happens, like so many with Barry Bonds, it’s going to be very, very difficult for people not to actively root for LeBron’s Decision to bite him squarely in the ass.

AAAAAND in related news, I may just be extremely bitter that the Hawks paid Joe Johnson max money to give up in the playoffs to the Miami Heat in 2011. My objection is not so much the decision, as the media circus he manufactured about the Decision.  Just way too cruel for such an anti-climactic, poor TV moment.  And seriously, red checkered shirt?

* (And apparently donated the proceeds of the Decision to the Boys and Girls Club. Ok, that’s not so objectionable.  Shouldn’t that have been the lead-in to the decision?  “First off, Akron is my home.  I’m donating the proceeds of this event to charity for kids here and 10% of my salary in Miami is going directly to scholarships for underprivileged Ohioans.  So no matter what I decide, and what some people might think of my employment decision, I intend to have a lasting presence here.”  Instead, he had to be goaded into something more like a  “uh, I gave a lot to this city and this organization.”  Weak sauce.)

2 Comments leave one →
  1. nick permalink
    July 9, 2010 2:01 am

    …because professional basketball players are normally known for their well-crafted turns of phrase?

    • July 9, 2010 9:27 am

      LeBron may lead the league in scoring, but without the sharp wit of say, an Oscar Robertson Wilde or a Mark “Magic” Twain, I simply can’t endorse the Heat of Miami’s decision to pluck the King from the fecund vines of free agency. Aren’t there any YALE men available?

      Anyways, its not so much the eloquence as the sentiment. He could have had a press conference or any other format that didn’t include asking two dozen questions about himself and what-he-was-thinking and what-he-was-going-through and how-he-weighed-his-decision. It’s also not that I personally think he’s a terrible human being or anything — he expressed a lot of these ideas in the post-game interview. But he chose the format, and he chose to make it a friggin television show in the first place. He can’t complain about the way the public is going to react to that choice.

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