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Catching Some Z’s With, On and Above

January 14, 2010

USAToday ran an article headlined, “Catching Up On Lost Sleep A Dangerous Illusion” today. My first reaction was that I already see right through the illusion.  My solution is typically not to catch up, but to give up on lost sleep.  Then I read this:

That’s dangerous for public health because many critical positions are held by people who have to stay up long hours, including doctors, paramedics, police officers and truckers.

Eve Van Cauter, a sleep researcher at the University of Chicago, calls the study “almost scary, because it really reveals that a large segment of the modern population may be at high risk of committing catastrophic errors, particularly in the middle of the night and the early morning hours.”

To put this in context, prior research has shown that staying awake for 24 hours in a row impairs performance on par with legal intoxication with alcohol (for driving), and six hours of sleep per night for two weeks causes a similar level of impairment as staying awake for 24 hours, Cohen says.

From USAToday

So since I get about four hours a day and am often drunk for the remainder, I’m guessing that disqualifies me (more) from operating heavy machinery?

Well, clearly it’s not ok to eschew sleep entirely.  Healthy, wealthy, wise and all that jazz.  But I wonder if there’s a loophole.  See, doctors tell us to get 7-8 hours of sleep a night, but they don’t say that we can’t get that sleep in prepositional form.

So if I sleep 4 hours and spend the other half sleeping with, around, and in, do I get to have back that medical license I won as collateral in a Guadalupe cockfight? Daddy’s got an itch, and the only cure is illegitimate surgery.

Side note: I wonder how this jives with anecdotal evidence that the Clintons spent Bill’s presidency on roughly 4-5 hours of sleep a night?  Does this confirm the Milhousian reverse vampire hypothesis way back in Season 6?  Or does it confirm that sleeping prepositionally really is a perfect substitute?

Note to anyone important potentially reading this: my blog is satire and only maybe partially reflective of views and reality.

3 Comments leave one →
  1. Jesse W permalink
    January 14, 2010 12:53 pm

    What exactly is described here by the adjective “Milhousian”? I know what Whitmanesque and Malthusian suggest, but I was unaware that Milhouse had espoused a cogent viewpoint or persona that would allow us to modify a noun with the turn of phrase you use above. Or perhaps the Rand Corporation has already thought of that eventuality…

    • January 14, 2010 2:16 pm

      You fool, can’t you see it’s a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?!

  2. Jason permalink
    January 20, 2010 8:19 pm

    cant… resist… simpsons quotes…

    the Rand corporation, in conjunction with the saucer people… under the supervision of the reverse vampires, are forcing our parents to go to bed early in a fiendish plot to eliminate the meal of dinner!

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